Too often we don’t know how our own stress patterns and negative self talk beats us down, blocks our dreams, or make us sick.

My dear sister Kathy requested that I post her story in hopes that “at least one” would seek help and assistance before it’s too late.

Reading her story brought tears to my heart as I began to remember, this is WHY I began my personal search so many years ago and WHY I keep searching and learning. – Karen Woodruff

FINDING GRACE

by Kathy Escudero

Merriam Webster definition of Grace: Unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification.

A personal definition of Grace: Being present, connected, finding joy in the present, being grateful.
This is my story about finding grace.

FALLING DOWN

CHATTER

The incessant chatter in my head
Reinforces the fear that I am not good enough
Any victory is short lived
Knowing that failure hangs over me

Anxious that the next mistake
Will crack the fragile picture of my self image
I cannot allow myself relief as I will be unprepared
Bound in misery like a straight jacket that cannot be escaped

What kind of life is this?
How do I free myself from this endless doubt?
There must be an end to this spiral of anguish
I must stop believing the negativity that engulfs me

Ignore the voice imprisoning me in my own head
Though the chatter tries to protect me
I cannot allow it to control me
I must quiet the noise to return to my true self

There it is again. That chatter in my head telling me I’m not good enough followed by the tightness in my belly reminding me to not let go of the fear of failure. If I let go then I am open to failure with no protection. Better to be prepared for disappointment than to be left open to a punch in the gut. I have plenty to worry about. Issues at work, potential issues at work, how my kids are doing in school, did I look stupid in that meeting, on and on and on.

The pain of shame and lack that washes over me, drowns out any joy. I don’t let myself feel joy anymore. When I’m at a concert singing, jumping up and down, hands in the air that chatter in my head says ‘STOP!!! What are you doing letting down your guard?’. Then there it is again. The tightness in my belly and chest. Follows me everywhere. I feel hopeless. How can I go on living this way.

SURFACE

I live on the surface of my life
Never time for deep connections
Always too busy for more than a brief encounter

Work, errands, tasks fill my days
No time to sit and talk
Let alone introspection

Afraid of connecting to people
Afraid of looking at myself
They and I will not like what we see

I know this is not how to live
But I cower in fear of finding a self that I cannot respect
A person who is not as magnificent as I dream to be

I look back now, three years later and think…why? Why did I ever get to that point of despair. I was too much of a health nut to drink or take drugs and taking my own life was just not something that I would consider. My drug of choice was keeping so busy that I couldn’t think about anything but the next thing that I had to get done.

I worked early in the morning, late at night and on weekends. When I wasn’t working I was doing laundry, running errands, cooking, helping the kids. Whatever I was doing I was in a rush to finish because I needed to get to the next thing. I didn’t make time to connect with friends, co-workers, family.

I listened to podcasts to try to lift me up. If Tony Robbins can’t get me pumped up then who could? I listened every morning on the way to work but when it came to looking at myself I couldn’t bring myself to do it. No way, I’m not looking in there – all I would find is darkness, nothing interesting to see here.

FROZEN

Being frozen in a hard glass shell
Protects me from finding the truth
From seeing my faults and limitations

I keep rolling along like a glass marble
Moving so that I cannot feel
The only thing I feel is fear

I know to be free the glass must shatter
But I cannot face the pain
Of me not matching my expectations

Only when I am slammed into a wall
There is no choice as the glass cracks
I am forced to look within

What I find is compassion for myself
Learning to show me the same kindness I give to others
Why did I wait so long?

 

I kept rolling along like this, thinking if I run fast enough then nothing can catch me. Boy was I wrong. That tightness in my gut turned into bloating that wouldn’t go away. I went to the doctor who gave me drugs for relieving gas and bloat. Followed by scans and a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. Funny thing is that I wasn’t completely surprised about the diagnosis. I had always read that life nudges you along the way and if you don’t listen it knocks you in the head.

Battling this disease required major surgery and two rounds of chemotherapy to get it under control. This took a year and a half which forced me to stop and spend time with myself. The thing that I feared the most. Once I got past the terror of facing my mortality I moved on with healing myself spiritually.

I’m not a religious person, so having faith in something greater than myself was foreign to me. So I started watching videos, listening to podcasts by people that spoke of spirituality without being religious. People such as Louis Haye, Dr. Dwayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks. I had to listen and read a lot before I was ready. Ready to start doing what they told me, looking inside.

HEALING

LOVE
The self doubt that imprisoned me
Held my mind captive

Only when in crises
Did I realize the true love in my life

Those with whom I crossed paths
Reached out to help

Not just close friends and family
But people I barely knew

If they could love me
How could I not love me?

This opened the door to my freedom
To accept and love myself

Step one was to learn to love myself. Hmmm, how do I do that? In some ways getting sick helped. There were so many people that reached out with love and support. I thought aside from my husband and kids who else could love me. Not that I felt that I was unlovable, it was just that I never made time for anyone. I was always too busy with work. Such a lame excuse.

I’ll always remember my sister-in-law telling me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her family. I was shocked!! My co-workers sent a big box full of cards and gifts. For my birthday I got another box of cards and gifts and a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers. I didn’t expect that. My husband ran into an acquaintance that did some work on our house and he ended up bringing us dinner one night. The texts and calls that I received astounded me.

It was then that I knew, if all of these people could love me with all of my imperfections then I could love me. Love is powerful and truly heals.

MIRROR

How do I find love for myself
When I’ve never been good enough for me?

I look in the mirror
To tell myself ‘I love you’

I cannot say the words
As I look into my eyes

Why is this so hard?
Why can I not stop crying?

I try every day
Until I can say it and feel it

The first exercise I followed from my reading/listening was from Louis Haye. I went into the bathroom, stood in front of the mirror, looked myself in the eyes and tried to tell myself ‘I love you’. It doesn’t sound difficult but I couldn’t do it. I started crying. It was as if I had to release the pain and sadness that I had buried so deep inside of myself before I could move on.

I tried this exercise every morning. Every day, same thing – crying. Then about a week in I could finally say I love you while looking into my eyes and I could feel it in my heart. I still cried but at least I could say the words. I kept doing the mirror exercise until I could say the words without tears.

Now I tell myself ‘I love you’ every once in a while to make sure I can still do it. Now I smile when I say these words.

FORGIVENESS

To fully heal I must forgive myself
For the mistakes I have made
Allowing self doubt to overtake my life

Why was I not stronger
Why did I not stand up for myself
Life has knocked me down to awaken me

As I look within to find the strength to rise
I tell myself it’s OK
Fighting back just makes me stronger

It’s time to say good bye to my old self
Stand again and hold my head high
Now that I am able to forgive

One of the main themes across spiritual leaders is forgiveness. While doing forgiveness exercises I struggled with finding anyone that I had to forgive. The only one I had to blame was me. So I had to learn to forgive myself.

Learning how to love myself was a good start. Next I had to stop the negative self talk. Stop saying ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’, ‘what the hell were you thinking’ to myself when I made a mistake. When did I give myself permission to talk to me like that? I would never say these things to anyone. I started talking to myself like I would to a loved one with words of understanding and encouragement. This left me feeling more positive and allowed me to focus on what I could have done differently to avoid mistakes in the future.

After several weeks of being kinder to myself I started to forgive myself. I let go of the shame that I had not been stronger. Which allowed me to move on and work on getting stronger.

GRATEFUL

You held my hand when I was scared
And there was nothing else to do

You stroked my hair when I hurt so badly
And there was no relief

I can’t believe how lucky I am
To have you in my life

Next I worked on being grateful. I struggled with this for a long time. I followed the advice from podcasts and books. Every night I would write down five things for which I was grateful that day. I treated it like another task to check off of my list. But I didn’t feel anything. That was the problem. In order for gratitude to shift your perspective you MUST FEEL.

Getting sick helped with truly feeling gratitude. My husband was always there to hold my hand when I was scared and I was scared a lot of the time. He stayed by my side and rubbed my back when I was nauseas and shaking. When I was in pain, my daughter would stand by my bed and stroke my hair to soothe me. When I think of those times I cry and feel gratitude.

Over the course of my illness there were many things that I couldn’t do. At first it was difficult to walk as I was sore from surgery and my legs were very swollen. I was always protecting my belly after surgery so I didn’t lift my arms, didn’t bend over. This resulted in frozen shoulder and my back and legs became very stiff. I had gone from exercising six days a week, being very flexible and being able to hold a plank for ten minutes to not being able to cook, drive, pick things up from the ground, sit down on the ground, get in the shower by myself or get a glass from a shelf among many other things.

As I got better, I was grateful for every small task that I could complete. I remember the first time I was able to take out the trash. I wasn’t able to lift the lid on the trash bin, but I had enough flexibility and strength to throw the lid open and get the trash bag into the bin. That was a big victory. This is how the universe taught me to feel gratitude.

Now I find things to be grateful throughout the day. I notice the reflection of water on the window and I’m grateful for its beauty. I’m grateful for the smirk from my son after I make a smart remark. I’m grateful when I can go to the store. I’m happier, more present and extremely grateful.

AWAKE

Most of my life I’ve lived missing the moment
Worrying about the future, regretting the past

All those small moments unseen
Holding happiness out of reach

Learning to feel gratitude in my heart
Awakened me to find happiness in the present

I had to learn to stay present. Stop drifting off to things to worry about in the future or what I had done wrong in the past.

I’ve read repeatedly to be present, be grateful for the small things in life. Things that are everyday occurrences, not just the monumental things. I didn’t get it . Until the ability to take care of myself, be independent and productive were stripped away. This made me stop and pay attention. To embrace every small joyful thing that I came across each day. The reflection from the sun on the water, the pattern of the shadow from the tree, the happy dog bouncing down the street with what looks like a smile on his face.

I think of all the things I must have missed when I wasn’t present. I push away any regret and focus on being grateful that now I know better to keep my attention on the present.

ENOUGH

Don’t fear failure
Don’t fear rejection
I am enough

With my faults and weaknesses
I am enough

Mistakes are to guide not ruin me
I am enough

Let worry subside
I am enough

We are born enough
It is only our thoughts that tell us we are not

Part of learning to love myself is to know that I am enough. There was a lot of pressure at work and I started believing that I wasn’t smart enough which made me feel that I wasn’t strong enough to push back. I started making decisions that would keep me from getting yelled at. Not the right choice but I was in survival mode.

Sometimes we get a little lost and forget this fact.

CONSISTENCY

Daily meditation
Nightly gratitude

Shift away from negative thoughts
Direct my attention to what fulfills me

These things I do daily
Though it can feel fruitless

One day I realize
I am happier

Though the process seems slow
Occurring too quickly would not hold the same meaning

One of the many things I have learned is that I must be consistent. As it is said your life is built from what you do with your minutes, hours and days. Giving into the temptation to be lazy and scroll through social media or watch a video takes me no further in my life. There’s part of my brain that says, ‘You’ve worked hard enough, you can watch that video’ then the next one and the next one until I’ve wasted an hour. I must force myself to say NO!

After surgery and treatments my back and the back of my legs were extremely tight. It was very difficult to bend forward and pick something from the floor. Before this I was very flexible and could sit on the floor with my legs outstretched in a V and was able to lie forward with outstretched arms and almost touch my head to the floor. Now I could barely sit in that position and lean forward an inch. I told myself that everyday I had to stretch out the back of my legs knowing that eventually I could get to touching my head on the floor in a forward stretch.

This is the same with many things in life. Meditation, gratitude, presence, creating momentum. Practice your intention everyday. Add it to your schedule so you don’t forget. When that voice tells you it’s ok to slack off defy it. Eventually you will see results to motivate you to keep going. The hard part is trusting results will come and pushing yourself forward. Nothing worthwhile is easy.

For the first time in a long time I am happy. Getting there and staying there means I have to be consistent. Every day.

STRONGER

KNOWING

Falling down was painful
Getting up is hard
Yet there is no greater teacher

From experience comes knowing
Knowing I will be stronger in body, mind and spirit
Knowing that whatever comes I will prevail

I hold this as undisputed fact in my heart
Knowing that patience and belief
Will lead me to where I know I will be

I have read ‘Believe in the diagnosis not in the prognosis’. I hold in my heart the belief that I can heal. That my body has the wisdom and the power to overcome the illness that invaded my body. I recall something I read from Marianne Williams asking why we would give our power to an illness and not our bodies. It makes sense to put our belief in our innate ability to heal and NOT the invader.

INTENTION

No longer will I drift through life
Allowing events to pull me along

I will set my intention each morning
To define who I will be each day

Remembering my purpose
Guides my actions and my life

Instead of letting the occurrences of the day determine my day I will set my intention for who I want to be each day. Maybe it’s mostly the same each day, it is certain to change with the plans for the day. But I will not allow what happens randomly each day set the tone of each day.
LET JOY RISE

We practice presence and acceptance
So that we may find peace

We breathe and we flow
So that we may find calm

We consider aversion and attachment
So that we may release

We build connection and community
And we let joy rise

Yoga helped me regain flexibility and strength and also helped in the practice of staying present, detachment, and impermanence. There are so many lessons in Yoga. I had never realized that there was more to the physical aspects of Yoga. The Yoga studio that I joined placed an emphasis on the Yoga Sutras which I had no idea existed. They also emphasize community which makes it not just a studio but a sanctuary of supportive Yogis.

MORE LESSONS

Purpose

What I was doing with my life was not my purpose
I knew deep down this was true

I talked myself into believing I was on the right path
Afraid of the consequences of change

But now here I sit ill again
For not listening to my heart

I had recovered from my illness, but it has decided to return again. I ask what are the lessons that I must learn this time? It is a bit more concerning this time, as it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I believe that I was not courageous enough to truly listen and follow my purpose. As I read though the prior pages I have written, I realize how much I have changed from the person that I was at the very beginning of this journey. I speak kindly to myself, connect with the people in my life and the people that I run across in my life.

-Kathy Escudero